Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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