it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
