I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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