Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
