if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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