I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
