super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
