Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
