Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
