it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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