I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
