fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
