He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
