I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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