She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
