my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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