i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
