It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
