I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
