Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
