I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize