I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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