My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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