Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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