i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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