I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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