My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
