I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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