so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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