We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize