can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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