your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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