I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
