If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He shit in the fireplace
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