You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
