I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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