My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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