Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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