Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize