I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
