In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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