Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
