I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize