I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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