So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
