Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize