so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
