If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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