peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Your penis caused this!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
