I just pynch a tree in the face
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
