How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
