never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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