Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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