1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
