Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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