can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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