I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
