bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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